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I don’t know how you could avoid feeling contempt. I should be ashamed of considering leaving a world as beautiful as this one. But I despise myself when I consider that I cannot manage to live one single day without feeling I’m a total and utter disgrace and causing problems for the other people around me. I know you get furious with me. It seems like I want you to show a strong emotion, because I do it to you so often, almost every day. Why is that? I start the argument and then I cannot stop. I spend an hour trying to think of a way to apologize and it does me no good, because the next time I see you, I just want to do something to make you smile. After this morning, I think I finally understand lust. That’s probably what has kept me here longer than I should have stayed. Is that what it is? Or is it more than simple lust? I am not experienced enough to know. I am surprised at the welcome I feel from the people in this little town. When I was staying with your Aunt Jean, I even. More precisely put, I was addicted to them. I wasn’t into the hectic stuff where carnivores rip little animals apart before devouring them because I always felt angst for the prey as fangs and claws ended their lives. But the programs about the peculiar behaviour and mating rituals of the various species mesmerized me. One of the best I ever watched was about the birds of paradise, presented by David Attenborough.One evening I watched a program about elephant seals. I was astounded that the gargantuan males were able to copulate with females infinitely smaller than them, without squashing the females.Two days later, I got the afternoon off from work because of all the extra time I had put in in recent times. I was in no doubt where I would be spending the afternoon.There were two saunas close to my home. The one was chic and modern, but I practically never went there. To cut a long story short; that sauna was patronized by wealthy older men and infested with rent boys. At thirty-five.
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